his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
