why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
