3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
