I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
