Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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