if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
