That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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