It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
