I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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