I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I have grass duct taped all over my body
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
