Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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