My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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