After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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