So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Life is so much better after having sex.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
