Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
