Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
