Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
