i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
