Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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