I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
