I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
