New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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