My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
