You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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