I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
