I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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