he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
smell my finger.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
