I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
