Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Sorry about my life...
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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