take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
