Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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