My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
