I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
