do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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