I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
