Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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