nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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