Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
