I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
