The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
