remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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