I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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