It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The beer is more important than you right now.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
