what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
