So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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