Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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