youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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