i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
