Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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