I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
