Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
