I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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